CIAW

First - if you are wanting an update on our third IUI and our first garage sale, make sure to read the previous post!

May 7th kicked off Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW). We need to be talking about these things, because infertility can be an incredibly isolating journey. For myself, in darker moments, I will blame myself, certain that this is all my fault, and that something is wrong with me as a woman to be unable to conceive and carry a baby to full term (although yes, we did have one beautiful girl. I'm taking about years since then). I compare myself to my friends, who all (literally ALL) have these lovely little squishes and who conceived by simply glancing at their spouses. (This happens. My very best friend merely winked at her husband and BAM! pregnant! She is now a week away from her due date with baby #2). I fall into the trap of feeling alone, because I don't know anyone who has had troubles like we have. BUT WAIT! That just simply isn't true. Since posting this blog originally, SO MANY of you beautiful women have contacted me, sharing your stories and baring your souls. And you know what happens then? Healing. When we are vulnerable and share with one another, it breaks down the stigma that we are alone and the "only one" experiencing these things.

Not only does talking about infertility unite women and couples who are going through it, it also enlightens those who have not experienced it. This is a big one for me, because I find myself getting frustrated at times with people who are "insensitive" or "don't understand". I put those in quotations because I am learning that people are not trying to be insensitive, or uncaring, and I need to be SO careful not to put that on them. Instead, they just typically don't have any clue what we are going through, because I have never taken the time to fill them in. (let's be real, there just are some insensitive people out there - some comments I have heard are actually mind blowing with how hurtful they can be. But those people earn themselves an eye roll and then we move on). People can't know how to support us or love us if we aren't sharing what infertility is actually like. They can't understand the heartache and frustration that comes with it if I am never vulnerable and share what exactly infertility looks like for us. So let's get to it.

Did you know that 1 in 6 couples experience infertility? 1 in 6. That is a HUGE number of people. That means that you are probably surrounded by people in your every day life experiencing infertility and you may not even know it. Also, male factor infertility is just as common as female factors. Yep, you read that right. It tends to be branded as a female-only issue, but that is just simply untrue. It is a couple issue, something two people tackle together. There are many other stats out there regarding different infertility factors, but we are going to focus on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, since that is what our diagnosis is.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is at the top of the list for one of the most common reasons for infertility (along with "unexplained" and "male factor"). It's a hard one to explain, because the causes for it are not really understood. Genetics is said to play a role, but that is not the case for me, with no history of PCOS in my gene pool. Basically what is it is a hormonal imbalance that leads to the growth of ovarian cysts, which are benign masses. In a female body, the release of one hormone leads to the release of another, so when one is out of whack, they all go wonky, which causes problems. When I was 16, I had major pain in my lower right side, to the point where my mom took me to the hospital. All signs pointed to appendicitis for the doctors, until a ultrasound revealed that it was actually a cyst that was rupturing on my right ovary. To be honest, I don't really remember too much of this, outside of the pain. My mom would probably be better able to talk about this one. I do remember the doctors saying afterwards that there may be scarring, and to be aware of it if issues came along. I was 16, the future was not on my radar. They made me feel better, gave me some meds, and off I went, and put the whole thing out of my mind. Well fast forward 13 years, and we have now discovered that I do not ovulate from my right side. The doctor said we can't be sure if that instance is the reason why, since maybe I have ovulated from that side since then and just wouldn't know it. But Quinnlyn and the baby we lost were both conceived from an egg on the left ovary (HOW do they know these things?! Wild), and every IUI we have had so far has been from eggs on the left side, with the right "sleeping", as Dr. Hudson likes to call it. I prefer the word "useless", but each to their own!

We are going to talk more about PCOS, but this post is already a novel, so we will end it here. The biggest thing about PCOS is that how it presents itself and the symptoms for each woman are going to be slightly different. Our bodies are different, we produce different levels of hormones, and we react differently to the drugs (Medical drugs. Calm down). But the result is the same. No ovulation, which of course means infertility. It is hard to process, hard to understand, and incredibly frustrating when it feels like your body is working against you. I cling to Psalm 139 which says "I Praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well". I am made in the image of God, and he knows how I am made, and why I am how I am. My body is not failing me, I am just a part of a broken world, but God's works are good. I know that. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and loved beyond comprehension, even when I can't grasp that and my family is in His hands.

(side note: We love hearing from you. Your encouragement, love, and stories are soul-filling for us. Feel free to leave a comment here, or send me one directly and share. If you want to be informed when I put up a new post, because I might not always post it to social media, feel free push the subscribe button at the top and you will get an email when I put up a new one. Much love to you all!! - Mel and Jon)